There was this joke I’ve read the other day, the one in which God promised men that “obedient and faithful wives will be found in all corners of the Earth”, and then He smiled and made the planet round. I find it amusing not because of the terms “obedient” and “faithful” that have been used to underline “a good wife”, but of the women who still fit in these categories even though they turn out to be far from being a good wife.
Like men as well, some women turn out to be a harder person to have a long-time relationship with. Still, to get the most out of having any kind of relationship with one of these “fake-wives”, there are a few types of women that men should know about.
10. The Gold-Digger. Perhaps one of the easiest to recognize, the Gold-Digger can’t hide her inner self from her partner. She likes to be endowed in expensive gifts and lots of attention and if you want to keep her close, you must not show any signs of financial problems whatsoever. Otherwise, like some sort of iceberg, she will strip you from everything you have, without any kind of remorse, thus leaving you sinking like the strucken Titanic.
9. The overly-attached girlfriend. “Who are you texting?”, “What are you thinking about?”, “Do you like her? Do you?” Ok, I’ll stop. Try to remember that this is just the beginning and shortly after, all Hell will break loose. One of the most dangerous women to be around is the jealous one. She will literally rip your clothes to shreds if she senses even a hint of someone else’s perfume, she will burn your house down if you even think of cheating on her and she will try to get you as far away from your friends as possible. “When are we getting married?”
8. Mommy’s little girl. Similar to the Gold-Digger, this woman requires your full and utterly attention. You can say anything you want to her, the only person she will ever listen to is her mother. Seriously! If you think she has a mind of her own, you’re dead wrong. Besides the fact that she’s a spoiled brat, she will give her best to shape you into something that her mother might like. After she’s done with getting rid of anything “important” in a man, she will casually move on to the next victim. “I feel like you’d be way cuter if you just…” Remember this one? No? How about “You’re not the person I fell in love with anymore…”?
7. The expert. Probably the most annoying of them all, the expert will never back down from an argument. Even if she’s wrong, this woman will do everything that stands in her power to prove that she’s right. She has an answer to any question, she judges everybody from her up-tight point of view (even if she says she doesn’t) and takes great pleasure in correcting your grammar every two minutes. I have to admit that many educated and intelligent women fall victim to this typology and rarely do they ever escape it.
6. The easily offended one. Everything you say can and will be used against you! This woman will remember everything you’ve said on the night of the 20th of November 1994. She has the memory of ten elephants combined and she will use every neuron in her brain to fry yours. Similar to the overly-attached girlfriend, but without the violence, she will hold on to her point of view like a Hollywood lawyer. The truth is that this woman was disappointed way too many times and now she’s lost her ability to trust a man, thus always being grumpy, defiant and altogether pessimist.
5. The selfish one.This woman will test your limits 24hrs a day, 7 days a week. She’s always on the lookout for a gentle, patient man who understands her and gives her the golden throne she obviously deserves. Related to the Gold-Digger, her financial and emotional requirements are always top priority, whether you like it or not.
4. The workaholic. Rarely seen outdoors, the workaholic is somewhat related to the expert and to the selfish girlfriend. She will literally turn her BlackBerry on and check her inbox messages while she’s having sex, she will never be around when you need her, she will interrupt you whenever she feels like it and she will rarely pay attention to anything you say. Days might pass until she returns your calls and instead of the “Thank you for the birthday wishes” message you’ll probably receive a “Can’t talk.Meeting” one.
3. The desperate one. It doesn’t matter if you’re compatible or not, this woman will marry you faster than you can yell for help. Usually in her mid 30’s, she will get over the fact that you’re an alcoholic, drug-addict, convict, pimp or whatever for that matter and try to cover-up her desperation by making herself as pleasant as possible. If, by any chance, you get on to what she’s planning and suddenly decide to split, she will turn into a seven-headed hydra, drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.
2. The crazy one. Probably the most feared one of them all, she will ask for more and more sacrifices from you, all of which she will later forget in an instance. Leaving the shear drama and unpredictability aside, this woman will turn you into a crazy person before you know it. She will rephrase everything you say and later use it against you, and if that doesn’t work, she will resort to even the lowest form of emotional blackmail just to keep you by her side.
1. The victim. Even a fully sedated man will lose his patience with this woman. Her pessimism level reaches a very toxic percentage and once her mask is off, the circus is in town. Everything and everybody has a problem with her and everything she needs is another sympathetic shoulder to cry on at least 3 hours a day. Pray to God so you won’t become one of her problems or else everyone she meets will know what a filthy jerk you really are.