Instead we’re doomed to simply keep buying passive-aggressive Christmas presents for the asshats in our lives, in a desperate attempt to let them know how little we truly think of them. Presents like:
We all have that gorgeous friend who insists she’s ugly, even as she fights off three millionaire demigods intent on procreating with her flawless genome. While force-feeding her bacon until she expands to twice her size might be illegal, nurturing her self-loathing with a tub of wrinkle cream certainly isn’t. For best results include the phrase ‘at your age’ somewhere in the message.
Awful Framed Photo
…of someone they hate. Want to rub it in the face of your sister’s awful fiancée? Get him a framed photo of her; taken while on holiday with her last boyfriend. Hate your bratty nephew? Find a photo of him at his feet-stamping worst and frame it for his parents. A subtle variation includes using a terrible photo of the recipient themselves, then spending the next five years inquiring innocently why it isn’t on their desk.
Classic U Star Novel
U Star allow you to go through classic novels and replace the protagonists name with one of your choosing. Fail to see the potential? Clearly you’re not up on your classics. For the narcissist in your life: U Star Dorian Grey. For that friend who grew a child-snatcher moustache for Movember and ‘forgot’ to shave it off: U Star Lolita! The possibilities are only bound by your imagination and the limits of hate itself.
Jeans 3 Sizes Too Small
When they finally admit, shamefacedly, that they can’t squeeze in; simply look thoughtful and say “my, you have put on weight.”
Kiddie Drum Kit
Noisy children and uptight parents are a hilarious combo, doubly so if you are the cause of their sleepless nights. We’re not suggesting you personally go and keep them awake (you’re crossing the line into simply ‘aggressive’ there), but why not treat their tyke to a mini drum kit, mini karaoke machine or other noise-making equipment this Christmas. Breakdown guaranteed.
Because nothing says ‘lonely wanker’ like a male sex-aid you have to wash out after each solo use.
Emigrating to New Zealand by Steve Horrell
Practical, insightful and full of useful advice, this book will prepare that awful person in your life for their upcoming move down under. If they look confused and say they’re not planning on emigrating, maybe offer to help them submit their visa application?
A Donation to the Wrong Party (in their name)
For that boring a-hole you know who turns every discussion into a political rant, make a donation in their name to a party or organisation they have nothing but contempt for. If they vote UKip and insist Nigel Farage is the second coming, donate £20 to a charity supporting multicultural Britain.
For the Labour supporter in your life: a Conservative Party membership. If their allegiances lie firmly with The Guardian, get them 100 back issues of the Daily Mail and a copy of Jeremy Clarkson’s latest whinge-fest. Alternatively buy them a tent and an ‘Occupy’ banner and hope they sod off to a protest somewhere.
Admittedly all of these are pretty useless, but there’s useless and then there’s useless. Your awful aunt is going on holiday to Brazil? Get her a Japanese Phrasebook. That rich douchebag you went to school with is off snowmobiling with his buddies at JP Morgan? A pair of plastic sandals and an inflatable beach ball. Be obtuse, be bitter. Heaven knows they deserve it.
Nothing at all
Alternatively, if you’re strong enough of character you could simply not get them anything and let them take the hint. Sure you’ll be unpopular, but what do you care?
Looking for an awesome Christmas gift for someone you actually do care about? Check out the Conran Shop’s Gifts for Her range.