19 Sep 2011

Top 10 Jewish Hotties In Hollywood

Written by our friend Jonathan Burda from SurivivingU.

The “Chosen Ones” have given us bagels and A-bombs. Seinfeld and Larry David. They’ve made us laugh and the Palestinians relocate. However, over the past few years it’s been their women that have left the most vivid impressions on our minds. From Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis to Gwyneth Paltrow and Bar Refaeli.

They have come out of nowhere to give Brazilian girls a run for their money as the hottest group of women in the world.

Here are the Top 10 Jewish Hotties In Hollywood:

10. Natalie Portman

Sure she might have the body of a malnourished Ethiopian schoolboy but that face makes up for everything her frail vegetarian body lacks. Absolute perfection. On top of that she’s a Harvard grad. Brains, beauty, and wealth. Kryptonite of every guy out there. That’s why she’s ranked so low.
Must watch: Garden State. Forget her nakedness in Your Highness and Closer. Watch Garden State and truly fall in love.

9. Elizabeth Banks

Pale skin. Blue eyes. Blonde hair. Sexiest voice in Hollywood. Can play comedic just as easily as dramatic roles. What’s there not to love?
Must watch: Zack and Miri Make A Porno. OK, so it’s not a cinematic masterpiece but it does have its moments. And Elizabeth is hot as ever in it. Or, 30 Rock season 5. Can never go wrong with 30 Rock.

8. Alison Brie

The relative newcomer who’s schoolgirl sexiness and comedic timing has transformed Community into one of the best shows on TV (no matter how hard Joel McHale tries to ruin it). The type of girl you imagine settling down with in high school (before porn completely corrupts your idea of love).
Must watch: The aforementioned Community. Steals scenes on a weekly basis.

7. Emmanuelle Chriqui

Most of us got introduced to Emmanuelle through one of the greatest shows ever, Entourage (at least the first 3 seasons were great). And amongst all the hot ass that has come and gone through the duration of the show, she’s somehow managed to stick around all the way till the end, which speaks volumes about her beauty.
Must watch: After Sex. She shows titties!

6. Emmy Rossum

Fell in love with her during Day After Tomorrow and she’s had a firm grasp on my penis ever since. Emmy has the body of a dancer, the voice of a classically trained singer, and the breasteses of a college coed.
Must watch: Shameless (TV show). Not only is this a great fucking show but it seems that she goes out of her way to take off her clothes every episode. Titties everywhere!

5. Esti Ginzburg

She’s one for the future. Well… she’s also one for the present, having appeared in 3 consecutive Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues (2009-11), as well as in Chase Crawford’s starring vehicle, Twelve.
Must watch: Twelve, by default. The movie’s horrendous. 50 Cent’s in it so I don’t need to say more, but Esti definitely stands out as the brightest spot in an otherwise shit-show.

4. Mila Kunis

It’s hard to decide if Mila is the perfect girl-next-door with her petite frame and long brown hair, or if she’s a vixen in disguise with her big, light, seductive, eyes and sultry voice. Either way, bitch be workin’ it.
Must watch: After Sex, in which she’ finger-bangs Zoe Saldana.

3. Brooke Burke

She’s like the Jewish Denise Richards, just keeps getting better and better with age. Brooke will look good in a skirt well into her 60s. Which is one of the reasons she’s ranked so high, she has longevity. That and she’s hosted probably the single greatest male TV show ever, Wild On! If you still think that she’s ranked too high here’s a little statistic for you, she’s 40, has 4 kids, and still looks better in a bikini than your girlfriend in college did.
Must Watch: Wild On! Party with Brooke and the sexiest, sluttiest girls, in the most exotic locales around the world.

2. Rachel Bilson

I don’t know what the Jews (is that a racial slur?) put in their water but man do they produce some unbelievable girl-next-door types. And Summer Roberts aka Rachel Bilson is at the top of the list. She would have been number one if guys actually preferred the girl-next-door types over the drop-dead-gorgeous ones, like we like to tell women we do.
Must watch: The OC. Her character on the show personifies what a girlfriend should be. Gorgeous. Into comic books. And filthy rich.

1. Bar Refaeli

What’s there to say? When you close your eyes and picture perfection at the age of 7. You picture her. When you do it at 18. It’s still her. And 47. Still the same old Bar. She’s not only the Hottest Jewish Girl in the world. She’s the hottest girl period. She looks flawless in everything she puts on, and especially in everything she takes off.
Must watch: Anything and everything she’s ever done.

Honourable mention: Scarlett Johansson.

If I didn’t see her naked ass recently I wouldn’t have even included her here as an after thought. The girl’s been overrated since she’s popped onto the scene. She does have nice individual features. Full lips. Buxom titties. Big green eyes. Curvaceous ass. But they just don’t seem to gel together like one would assume. Just like the Miami Heat. Having seen her naked recently though, she get’s an honourable mention. Her body’s alright in my books.

Visit survivingu.com for the latest university debauchery and follow Jonathan @JonathanBurda