2 Nov 2012

My list of people who should never make the playlist at a party

So, you find yourself at one of those parties where everybody sits around talking, like they don’t have anything better to do. It’s already midnight, there’s no specific theme whatsoever, no dress code, no nothing, just the good old-fashioned “party-till-you’re dead” attitude waiting to happen. Three shots of tequila later you’re already wondering who the hell made the playlist.

Some people have the innate ability to nail the perfect tune thus turning the party from a quiet drink in a room full of friends, to a massive heart attack waiting to happen. I’m talking about the rhythmical, trendy, fresh tunes that make you want to take your clothes off and believe in miracles.

Yes, that kind of music might have already brought the house down by now, whereas, this party looks like the opening celebration of a retirement center. This is why some people should be chained to the refrigerator if they so much think about touching the damn playlist. I’m not talking about the troll that switches to a fat groove every once in while.

I’m talking about the amateur disk jokey that hasn’t got a freaking clue about music and yet he insists on killing everyone’s buzz with his shit. I’m no expert, but luckily for me, I’ve been to enough parties to know a thing or two about having a good time and the people who should never make the playlist.

- Parents – By parents, I mean those people who sit around the party in case their house goes up in flames. They come by every once in a while to embarrass themselves by showing off their “old school” moves or to ask you to “kick” the music down a notch. If they stick around long enough, they’ll start complaining about music not being what it used to, and start punching the playlist with Abba songs. Don’t get me wrong, a set of old school remixes can blow up any party but a strong dose of the ravishing 50’s might send everybody running to the bathroom.

- Wasted Ravers – There’s nothing much you can do about these people. Once they’ve reached the makeshift booth, your party is as good as over. They will insist on trashing the playlist with their 160bpm vortex of breakbeat shit until everybody in the room drops and begs for mercy. These bassheads are so far lost in skunk psychosis that they won’t even notice the flying beer bottles heading towards their head.

- Drunk wh*res – Somehow, these skanks always manage to find their way in front of the computer. Let’s face it, they’ve stopped listening to any kind of music since the fifth shot of tequila kicked in and right now they’re somewhere between a long forgotten Tiesto song and a half spilled beer. I don’t believe that anyone else could piss-off an entire crowd faster than these girls can. They love changing songs as if they’re listening to their own damn iPod and somehow they never understand why people hate them so much.

- People on Ketamine – Their universe is like nothing you’ve ever seen before, man. I don’t even know where they find this kind of music or how they’ve managed to type-in the name of the song, but once they push play, they turn into some kind of wet, fragile piece of toilet paper. There’s no possible way to describe the panic they go through when they’re taken away from the sound of their own nightmares and thrown face-first into the toilet bowl. These people will literally go mental over minimal music and from all the other dirtbags in this list, they might be the only ones that are fun to watch.

- Scumbags – Most people are tolerant to other people’s choice in music or at least have some kind of minimal tolerance to bullshit. Scumbags, on the other hand, are the worst kind of people to have around at a party. They’ve listened to every song since the beginning of time – or so they claim – and somehow they’ve now become stuck on this reggaeton trash that doesn’t really cut it anymore. Again, I’m not talking about the good, classic stuff that really brings the house down. NO! They don’t care that everybody else’s knees have stiffened in confusion from all the weird rapping that has filled the room with vomit. People will suddenly remember they need to sit down or take a piss, the ketamine dude himself will realize how small his feet look and the drunk wh*res wake up to the reality of their miserable lives.

- Sunday DJ’s – There are some minor rules to being a good DJ and somehow, these guys manage to f*ck everything up. An 80-year-old blind hobo with 9 broken fingers can “spin the record” just as well as any of these losers can, but at least he has the decency of never mixing Rihanna and Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” together. I mean, who listens to this crap? How wasted should you be to actually like this thing I can’t refer to as music? “Excuse me man, Just what IS this crazy beat you’ve parachuted into my life?!” They never get the irony! These people were made for other jobs like truck driving and they don’t even know it.

- Depressive people – I don’t care what happened, but this Radiohead crap has got to stop! Whether he’s been ditched for the third time this year, or still thinking about his highscool love, this depressed dude pollutes the playlist with soft music in hopes that he can make the pain go away. Noticeable a mile away from his style of clapping that no one would ever describe as excessively heterosexual, the depressive dude should probably be ushered away from the stereo in case he starts crying into the microphone every damn lyric from “I don’t want to miss a thing”.

- Death Metal Dudes – Let’s face it, what are these people doing at a house party? Whenever I notice them sitting around, like a starved Ethiopian, I can’t help but to imagine the pain they’re feeling over a synth stab breakdown. However, after a few rounds of cheap vodka these people will make you shuffle awkwardly along the edges of the floor like a broke farmer at a cattle sale. There’s nothing, absolutely nothing worse than a hammered dude stopping the music at a party for a screaming session with … Satan.