7 Mar 2011

5 easy ways to dump your girlfriend

Do you believe in never ending love? Have you ever thought that some day you’ll find a sweet girl who’s going to be a perfect wife for you and you will live happily ever after with her? If the answer is yes, then… I’m sorry, but this article is not for you. You’re a hopeless romantic and break-ups are like foreign languages to you: weird and scary.

This is for the rest of us, real guys who know that there’s a certain moment in any relationship when you just get bored as hell by your girlfriend and you start asking yourself if you should leave her or not. If you’re about to break up with your girlfriend… we’ve made a small guide with a couple of easy and creative ways to dump her. Simple as that.

1. Tell her you’re Gay

One of the easiest methods to go back to your wild single life without receiving stressing calls, tears and stuff after you’ve just broke up is to tell her you’re gay. Be confident, bold and really proud when you’ll say that. That’s the key.

The Good part: She won’t feel totally rejected so, if you ever feel like you need to “try women” once again, she might be around and go for it because she is doing this for a good cause: to bring you back on the right way. She might even start introducing some of her hot girl friends to you because she probably thinks you’re harmless now.

The Bad part: She might say she always wanted to have a friend like you who understands her and listens to her stories about boys, make-ups and tampons. That’s just weird, if you ever hear that you can do only one thing: RUN!

2. Invent another woman

Another easy way to dump your girlfriend is to change the name of one of your friends from your phone and to pretend you’re hiding something when he calls you. If she’s like most women from this planet, she will become really suspicious and it’s all downhill from there. There’s only one step to breakup. If she asks you about it, just act dumb and say one of your friends must have put it in your phone as a joke.

The Good Part: You’ll  look like dandy when someone asks you why you broke up with her.

The Bad Part: If you don’t leave the room as soon as you broke up, you might need some days of medical care.

3. Forget about everything

Forget about her birthday, forget about your anniversary day, about everything that really counts for her. This shouldn’t be too difficult since it’s a known fact that men usually don’t even remember things like these.

The Good Part: After you forget about her birthday she’ll probably leave you immediately because that’s something that no woman would accept.

The Bad Part: She will think you’re an asshole, a douche and so on and she’s going to tell all her friends what she thinks about you so… you probably won’t have too many chances with her hot girl friend after you’ve broke up with her like this. But hey, who cares about this when there are many other girls out there who don’t know your ex?\

4. Release the inner-pig

Stop taking showers, shaving yourself, being polite or anything else that now makes you look like a nice guy. Fart in public places with her, throw away your perfume and drink and much beer as you can and then call her when you’re almost passed out.

The Good Part: Not only she will disappear pretty fast from your life, but also any other guy or girl around you who’s pretty annoying will probably go away. You should tell your close friends what’s your dirty little plan though, you don’t want them to leave you as well.

The Bad Part: there’s a small probability that you asphyxiate in your sleep from your newly found smell.

5. Use the internet

Easiest method in the book. I think Facebook was first invented as a tool for dumping girlfriends. Start sharing likes and comments and messages with the hottest girls you have on your Facebook, post photos with them on your profile and so on. Make sure to keep your relationship status to “single” or change it to single when you’re ready to leave your girlfriend. That’s more than enough to start a fight.

The Good Part: From all those girls from Facebook, one of them might quality to be your future girlfriend.

The Bad Part: There’s a small chance that the girl you’ve just picked up on Facebook might be a  fat, bald, desperate guy. Caution.