29 Oct 2012

20 stupid things you should never say on a first date and why

Ancient means of courtship might not get the best feedback ever in our current society and letting your inner self burst out, like Ace Ventura, is most likely a bad idea on the first date. The difference between humans and animals is that the former usually needs more than a cool display of feathers and a crazy dance to get the other one’s attention.

Words and gestures, stories and meanings, are bricks laid to build a connection. Going from one age to another, approaches vary, but, at its core, common sense remained pretty much the same. One might not know precisely what to do or say in a certain circumstance, but can quite easily guess what classifies as a definite “no-no”.

Here’s a list of things you shouldn’t say on a first date and what might cross your partner’s mind once you’ve said them:

1. What’s your name again? – “Seriously? You’ve spent the past three hours talking to yourself? Jesus man, were you paying attention to my breasts or something?”

2. Who’s that calling? - “Why is it any of your damn business? I know I won’t be calling you any time soon”

3. You remind me of my ex. – “Oh, really? And you remind me of a jerk”

4. I like to crossdress every once in a while. – “Whoah! And that concludes our little visit for today…”

5. How much do you like kids? – “Cooked, medium or fried? ‘Cause I’m not planning on having any for the foreseeable future”

6. Your outfit could use a little more something. – “Why? What’s wrong with it miss Versace?”

7. My father died today, five years ago. – “Great! I didn’t know he’s dining with us. How about I leave you two alone so that you catch up on things?”

8. I had a colonoscopy. Have you ever had one? - “No, thanks, I’m full!”

9. Could I get pregnant if I swallow? – “I don’t think that getting pregnant should be something that worries you right now”

10. Wow, you’re not as I imagined you to be. – “Really? Gee, thanks, I’ll do the imagining part by myself from now on”

11. Can I take a picture of you? – “For what purpose? Are you a pervert or something? Do I look like a monkey?”

12. Are you gonna eat that? – “What? Are you calling me fat or do you want to finish what’s left of my main course?”

13. My mom and dad can’t wait to meet you! – ” Oh, but I CAN wait, like… forever”

14. Do you have Herpes? – “Why? Wanna share yours?”

15. I’ve been molested – “What brought this up? Do I look look like a therapist or something? … As a curiosity, how many times did you say it happened?”

16. I have 17 cats – “And no furry coat? I don’t know why I suddenly find myself to be a dog-loving person”

17. Do you shave your armpits? – “I’m sorry, what? Do I look Amish to you, buddy?”

18. Why are you single? – “Because you’re double the amount of crap I need for today!”

19. I hope no one sees us here - “Better yet, I hope no one sees ME here, next to you!”

20. Humans weren’t meant for monogamy – “They weren’t meant for flying either, but they handle it quite well.”