23 Sep 2011

11 Things You Only Do When You’re Drunk

Every person has at least two different personalities (the lucky ones have multiple). There’s the sober you. And then there’s the drunk you. Usually these two people are quite different and don’t get along. Drunk you thinks the sober you is a pussy.

[Written by our friend Jonathan Burda from survivingu.com]

The sober you hates drunk you because he constantly gets him into trouble, ruins his organs, fucks up his chances with women, and then disappears before the consequences set in.

Here are 11 things only the drunk you likes to do:

11. Start fights over trivial shit.

You’re angry because you’ve had a horrible fucking week or you’re angry because every chick at the bar-club has turned you down. You’re ready to fucking rip someone’s head off. You’re drunk enough to think that starting a fight will somehow salvage your night. All you need now is to find your victim. Then you spot the motherfucker wearing a Red Sox jersey. A guy cutting into the coat-check line. A guy not washing his hands in the washroom. Some dude that kinda looks like the guy you’re junior high crush dumped you for. You eventually wake up with a light in your eyes and ask the paramedic “What happened.”

10. Gamble.

You’re a broke college student with delusions of grandeur. To fund that grandeur you’ve taken up online poker but shit’s not going so well. However, that’s only because you’ve been playing sober and tight. Coming home drunk, confident, and nice and loose, you think you’ll reverse your fortunes. You lose more than you ever did sober. To make yourself feel better you get on eBay and spend $300 on shit you won’t remember you bought the next morning.

9. Stalk friends of friends on Facebook and leave creepy wall posts.

It’s 3am and you’ve just stumbled through the door into your room. But you’re not tired. All those Jagerbombs and Vodka-Red Bulls (and maybe a line or two of the devil’s dandruff) is keeping you awake. So to kill time you get online and check your Facebook. Maybe that hot girl from Econ 101 you drunkenly added last week has finally accepted your friend request. No she hasn’t. Probably because Facebook fucked up and your request never reached her. You send her another message. Then one to her cute friend who’s in all the pictures with her. Then one to your old junior high crush. And a few more to random girls Facebook has suggested for friends. Once you’re done sending all the messages you’ll masturbate to the profile pictures of your top three girls by constantly clicking Alt Tab.

8. Smoke cigarettes.

You spend 6 days and 23 hours of the week lecturing your friends about how bad smoking is for their health. You make lists. You hold interventions. You show pictures. Then comes 2am on Thursday night and you’re chain smoking like a Thai hooker in an alleyway in Phuket. Not because you crave the nicotine rush but because you mistakenly think it’s going to somehow make you cooler. It won’t.

7. Start fake wrestling with a friend, which quickly turns into a real fight.

Frat Bros live for this shit. The fight actually starts way before the wrestling takes place. It could have started the time your bro beat you at COD MW2 or the time a girl picked him over you or when he took the last slice even though he already had three. Whatever the reasons, shits been simmering in your head for a while. You need to prove to yourself that you’re better than him at something or at least on a level playing field. Being drunk, you’re confidence grows. Being a guy, you mistakenly believe that by wrestling with your friend you’ll reclaim that part of your manhood he so viciously stole from you all those nights ago. One thing leads to another and now you’re both swinging for the fences. One of you will go the hospital. You’ll both hate each other for a while. Your fight will go on Youtube. You’ll make up. Until the loser demands a drunken rematch at some point in the future. The vicious cycle will repeat itself until one of you ends up dead.

6. Break shit.

You’re done partying downtown. You might have gotten a few numbers but no one to actually go home with. You’re walking back to your car with your boys. Only Rolo’s missing. He picked up a girl that lives a block from the club and is now fucking. You’re a little jealous. Having filled your stomach with terrible, undercooked, street meat, you regain some of that lost testosterone. To relieve that energy you throw the Sprite can into the floor. It ricochets and hits a car. You’re friends laugh and follow suit. Before you know it you’re jumping from one parked car to another and smashing every windshield, stop sign, and hipster in sight. You forget which car is your buddy’s buddy’s and kick off his left side mirror.

5. Eat the most disgusting shit possible.

This is the only reason Taco Bell remains in business. It starts off with street meat, pizza, or shitty Mexican food right after the club. By the time you get home you’ve already puked out the Taco Bell and are feeling hungry all over again. You open the fridge and find leftover Chinese food, a half eaten apple, orange juice, your roommates tofu delight, and bacon, of course. You take all that shit out and spend the next 15 minutes heating, cooking, and getting everything burned, including your own skin. You stuff your face, almost choke, and pass out with George Foreman grill still on. You spend the next week hitting the gym, getting colonics, and eating raw shit to offset the imbalances, only to repeat the same thing when you get drunk again.

4. Profess your love for everyone.

You’re happy that you have friends that want to get fucked up with you. You’re happy that she finally got her period. You’re happy that the tests came back negative. Whatever the reason, you’re in a great mood and you’re looking to spread the love. With every person that passes by you. High5ving, kissing, hugging, groping total strangers. Calling ex-girlfriends and your absentee parents and professing your love for them. It’s all fair game.

3. Late night booty calls.

A feeler text is sent around 8:30 – 9pm to a few girls while you’re pregaming with the boys. Over the course of the night you keep the conversations going while your sexual innuendo becomes more and more obvious. By the time you leave the club without a girl you’re sending mass texts to every girl in your phone “Wanna come over and watch a movie tonight.” No reply. That’s fine you think. They’re women and they’re too stupid to pick up on the actual meaning of your text. If they really knew that you were offering dick they would all be begging and pleading for a spot in your bed. So you send a more straight forward one, “lets fuck tonight.” You wake up alone in the morning with missed calls, texts, and voicemails from your sister, mother, and your 14 year old cousin.

2. Have sex with people that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

That girl that was so willing to take you home after only four minutes drunken rambling might have looked barely bangable after 8 beers, 6 shots, and one blue pill, but next morning you’re scratching your eyes out. You’ll tell your friends that she was gorgeous. They’ll find out she wasn’t through Facebook. You’ll drunkenly booty call her two weeks later after a night out without any success. This will continue until you find something better.

1. Confess deep dark secrets that no one should ever know.

Alcohol makes you honest, honest to a point of detriment. Remember that time you put peanut butter on your dick and let your dog lick it off. How about that time you intentionally ran over that cat. Your hatred of Blacks and Mexicans. Your dad’s collection of gay porn. For some reason you think it’ll be a good idea to share it all with your friends. It’s not. Your friends will never let you forget your drunken confession and will continue to make fun of you (mostly behind your back) until you do something even stupider.

Honorable mentions:
Pissing on anything and everything, including yourself.
Making out with total strangers
Falling down a lot. This applies mostly to girls.
Getting rejected A LOT. This applied mostly to dudes.

Visit survivingu.com for the latest university debauchery and follow Jonathan on Twitter @JonathanBurda