18 Oct 2012

10 things you shouldn’t do at your workplace

For some, there’s nothing more depressing than a hard day at the office. Whether you’re answering phone calls next to your fat colleague, or sharing the view with the company’s CEO, I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard some weird office stories in your lifetime. Here’s my list of ten things that you shouldn’t do at your workplace and why:

10. Never steal food, toilet paper or anything else! First of all, stealing food is nasty. Second of all, if you’ve done it, you won’t probably have any problems doing it again, until you get caught. If I can give you one piece of advice on this one, it would be “Sooner or later, someone will catch you!”.

09. Don’t bring your kid over for extended periods of time! Those piles of documents on your co-workers’ desks are stressful enough as they are and a child running around, screaming like there’s no tomorrow, won’t help make things better. Nobody wants to see your rebel offspring in action for more than 10 minutes.

08. Don’t get drunk. This one’s a major one. If your boss sees you, your drunk behind will get fired faster than you can say “Never gonna happen again”. Furthermore, if your colleagues notice that you’re incapacitated by alcohol, they won’t join in on the party. Trust me!

07. Don’t put your family album on your desk. I’m not talking about that picture of you and your wife, naked, under a palm tree in Bora Bora. I’m talking about all the other photos of your family tree, covering both your desk and the wall behind you. Nobody wants to know the history of your ancestors, man.

06. Don’t gossip or at least try not to. This one’s a tricky one. Everybody likes to gossip, especially at the office. The problem with too much gossip, in general, is that the one being talked about usually finds out. It doesn’t matter when or from whom he does, the baseline is that you really don’t want to be known hence the person who starts all the rumors around the office. Do you?

05. Don’t scream or swear. Chill man! This is not a stadium and your colleagues are not the Lakers’ fans. You don’t want to be thought of as being the Hillbilly every time someone mentions your name.

04. Don’t masturbate! Whatever you do, stroking Mr.Johnson in the company’s toilet won’t help you relieve any tension once everybody finds out. Do yourself a favor and keep it in your pants until you reach your own place.

03. Don’t post pictures of your colleagues at work, on facebook, twitter or any other social website. After eight hours of hearing the same person complaining about deadlines, meetings and taxes, guess how my face looks like? The last thing I need right now is a picture of me looking like uncle Fester and a tag on Facebook to serve as a reminder of what a “beautiful” day I had at work.

02. Don’t kiss your boss’ ass too much. Yes, there’s a good, simple recipe for having zero friends at the office, and befriending your boss is the main ingredient. I hate to break it to you buddy, but everybody else will immediately notice what you’re doing, and treat you like the world’s biggest jerk for that matter.

01. Never go through your co-worker’s stuff. A general life rule: This is the most annoying thing that anyone could do, anywhere on the planet, with anyone’s stuff. If it’s not yours, don’t touch it, buddy! Life doesn’t get much simpler than that!